Ship Wreck

Right about now I’m thinking about taking a cruise…

…said Sue Pace NEVER.

IMG_7277Not even with a thermometer reading 12ยบ and two water troughs so thick with ice I have to haul buckets of hot water from the kitchen out to the pasture make that kind of “adventure” seem appealing.

That’s how much a cruise ship appeals to me.

And the most recent Royal Caribbean cruise line debacle where 700 passengers have been violating their teeny, tiny toilets for days as this massive petri dish spews its way to land only reaffirms my belief that large floating vessels belong only to the military.

I know what you’re going to say. Lee has already defended the appeal of these kinds of “vacations.” The food. The fun. The entertainment. I haven’t been on one, so how can I possibly know?

I know.

Eating? I get seasick. Drinking? Hello, I get seasick. Dancing? The motion of the ocean and gyrating don’t mix.

Entertainment? I can listen to music on my iPod. I can boot up Netflix and watch a musical.

Walking that plank onto a ship being greeted by Captain Norovirus? I don’t think so.

poolAnd explain to me the appeal of swimming in a pool crammed with stinky-diapered toddlers and lecherous old guys when there’s a beautiful ocean beneath that bucket of potential doom.

I want to feel the warmth of the sand under my body and the heat of the sun, shining above, on my wrinkly face. I want to hear the roar of a wave crashing against itself and not the shrill of drunk sorority girls in their teeny bikinis ordering another round of margaritas from a sultry, tanned stud PAID to flirt with them.

Maybe I’m just cranky because every time I step outside, my nostrils freeze together and my fingers go numb while I hurl hay over the fence.

But it’s better than what those 700 passengers on that ship have been tossing the last several days.

Stay warm and safe.

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